Crunchy, curmudgeon-y goodness

Dear People of The Internet,

What, pray tell, is your problem? Why must you ruthlessly slaughter English at every possible turn? To wit, a few choice nuggets from Santa Barbara craigslist. Please note that Santa Barbara has not one, not two, not three, but four colleges.

Are you moving? I HAVE BOXS! Just the one? Hardly worth making the effort, I’d say.

Free hay bails (8) Has the hay been especially bad lately? Is it attempting to escape from the farm? Or biting the cows back?

your stupid barking doxen dogs Sweetie, that would be “dauchsand” or doxie, if you want to be cute.

I just started working under the table That must get cramped.

Lets loose our virginity 2 gether – m4w – 20 Well, you know what they say, use it or…..loose it?

Great Roster for Free!!! – $1 – Isn’t the $1.00 part a PRICE? Which means: NOT FREE. And by the way, I see that you’ve got a male chicken, not a sports team listing. ROOster not ROSter.

Sity Conty Boting.. I don’t know where to begin here.

“I used to live in SB in the 1990’s and will be moving back there in the Spring, 2008. I teach yoga and dance. I am a young-looking 36 yr old female looking to meet cool kats before I move and connect, plutonically. Bring it!” Sweetie, if you connect ‘plutonically’ with someone….it’s going to be a mess.

Filed Under “looking for a smart girl m4w – 26: “I am looking for a smart girl. Because i am a bussines man and I need somebody’s help. This is only for a serious girl who want to make some money.” If she’s really a smart girl, she’ll have collapsed, hysterical, at your oh-so-clear ‘bussines’ plan. Serious girl who want to make some money probably have resume, no need bussiness man.

$$$ for gilrs only – m4w – 22 ” $$$$ This is only for curvy girls. Is that you then write back. We would go to a beautiful place you haven’t had gone.” For GILRS? What is a gilr, some sort of fish? Not only is this entire thing absurd and transparent, it was posted in the “Strictly Platonic” area. Can ye not read?

I’m moving to sb and would like to meet some chill ppl!! – m4w – 19 What, exactly, are PPL?

For this sorry and shameful rape of a beautiful tongue, I blame: text messaging, television, global warming, Dubya, WMD’s, globalization, mercury, immunizations, trans-fats, excessive plastic in our food packaging, parents, teachers and last of all, ALL THE NUMBSKULLS WHO WON’T USE THE G.D. SPELLCHECK.

Ladies: Who of you would like to become the owners of some great, custom-designed, hand-made, pretty pretty things? You should totally go and hit up my gal, Chiada, and buy some of her awesome stuff – not just because she is my friend of the last…decade-plus (oh my goodness, we are getting old!) but because…well, there are many good reasons, but can we just all help a blogger out a bit? Please? Pretty please with a sprinkling of jewlery on top? You guys should see the pillows she made for my sad, 0h-so-bachelor-y couches. They are pretty and coordinate with my paint and the couches and…well, I’m just lucky I have such a great friend. Unfortunately, due to some things Beyond Our Control, she needs a wee bit of help, asap. So….if you could find it in your heart/wallet to buy some cool stuff from her – that would be really, really great.

Finally, because it’s my blog and I can change the formatting every day if I want to whine about my stupid, pampered life: Why must I be subjected to a 76 point inspection every year that ends with, “So….you’re SURE you don’t want to be having any kids, right? Are ya sure? Really? Huh? But whyyyy? You’re married, you live right down the street…..C’mon, look at our wall of baby pictures…dontcha just want to shoot an eight-pound burrito out of your delicate lady-bits? And (My Inner Meanie starts here:) Have your other ladybits gnawed, tugged, bit and chewed into raw hamburger? After which you get to spend twenty years being unappreciated and wishing you had just gone ahead and remodeled the house, gone on a year-long vacation, and got a Bull Mastiff/Newfoundland/Dalmation mix with a drooling problem, because it would be less trouble?  taken for granted?

Not so much, really. Although I have to keep repeating that one to myself when there are often things that look like this and also this (Note to family: She reminds me SO MUCH of A.J.!) in my life. Plus, there are The Smallses (TBAE’s kids, who I borrow often and may or may not have almost drowned me in a sea of bedtime hugs and kisses last night) who I see many days and simply cannot get enough of. Oftentimes, you can ask TBAE, if I could do a line of babyheadsmell and be satisfied with just one ‘hit’, I totally would. Sadly, I know that one sniff, nay, sometimes just one squish of a wee toe/finger/thigh, can lead to …..a slippery slope of hormone-driven, irresponsible life choices and, ultimately, all of the aforementioned disasters and, of course: A frillion times more joy and fulfillment than my shallow, selfish, wine-swilling, high-heel wearing, sleeping till….late, cat-spoiling self will ever know.

NONE OF WHICH MEANS that I am up for the rude violation of my special happy area/entire life, thanksferasking. And Doc, I know I’m almost 28. It’s o.k., really, I think. P.S. Could you please, please please, take my blood pressure BEFORE you weigh me? Or even show me a scale? Thaaaank you – mwah!


5 Responses to “Crunchy, curmudgeon-y goodness”

  1. Some of those were SO bizarre, I could barely even decipher them. Yikes!

    Families are good, if one is ready for said family. In the meantime, perhaps you could take up that guy’s offer of a Doxen? ;)

  2. LMAO..Doxen? makes it sound like you should be hooking them up to a yoke and plowing the fields../grin

  3. This is such a great post in so many ways!

    First: Love the Craigslist slaughtering. As Austin Powers says, “WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?!?”

    Second: Thank you so, so much for the shout out. *tear!* Make me all weepy, why dontchya?

    Third: The baby speal. Hah! Love it. You are so hilarious. I’m with ya: one stroll past the little girls clothes at Kohl’s or Macy’s and it’s *swoon!* for me and I’m ready to make irresponsible decisions/actions and then reap the consequences for the next ungrateful 20 years, lol.

    This line is just so.great. I can’t even stand it, it’s that good: “A frillion times more joy and fulfillment than my shallow, selfish, wine-swilling, high-heel wearing, sleeping till….late, cat-spoiling self will ever know.”

    Dude, you rock. Please don’t ever change your curmudgeonyness.

  4. You guys are funny! I agree about the girl clothes thing… Try having Le Petit Bijou in your sights (aka le petit clothes that cost the earth and are so cute they cause involuntary ovulation)! Of course me being me, its the wee tin-nay bonnie shoes that really kill me. And that way leadeth down a dark path of wasteful consumerism. Heh.

  5. Is there a place to actually purchase the lovely jewelry? I am asking you because I think Chiada is too modest to tell me :)

    I am trying to give away boxes on craigslist right now. Tonight even. Eight of them, is that enough to make the cut? I know how to spell at least!

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